For the story of how my daughter Emzy came into this world…. Read on….
Five years ago, what started as a routine 34-week checkup, before heading to brunch, turned into a birth experience.
At my appt, my blood pressure reading came back high. I advocated for myself, asking for five minutes to meditate before checking again. When it remained elevated, the doctor – someone I knew from high school – diagnosed me with preeclampsia and admitted me immediately. Seeing as it was someone I knew- I decided to trust the process — knowing I was walking into the unknown….
The next eight days were full of the entire spectrum of human and spiritual experience.
They started me on magnesium for my blood pressure, then shortly after, added Pitocin for induction – two medications that work against each other. So they have to keep increasing doses as they cancel each other off out. Despite expressing concerns about how the magnesium dose was affecting me, the medical team wouldn’t adjust it. I chose to trust the process, even as the medication left me with severe nausea, body aches, and unable to move or even use the bathroom without assistance. The Pitocin doses kept increasing, making the cramping and pain increasingly intense.
After almost 40 sleepless hours, I realized I needed to do something to sleep beyond the pain, up to this point I hadn’t had any pain meds. The constant pain from the forced contractions from the Pitocin and lack of rest meant I wouldn’t have the strength for natural birth, so I opted for an epidural – a procedure I barely felt through all the other pain. After that, I was able to get about 4-5 hours of much-needed sleep before it stopped working, leaving me once again aware of every sensation as my body prepared for birth…. Ironically I wanted to have a natural birth so it stopping working just long enough for me to sleep was exactly in line with my preference …
Once I woke up, (I was at UC Davis hospital by the way) it took four different attempts by various residents and students – each try more uncomfortable than the last – before they finally manually broke my water. When they did, I immediately knew she was coming, though the medical team insisted it was too soon. But my body knew – within a few minutes, while a group of doctors were doing their rounds, Emzy was ready to make her entrance.
During the actual birth, I completely left my body. While my physical body remained in the hospital bed, my awareness shifted to a completely different plane. I found myself in the womb with my baby, surrounded by the most pure, bright light imaginable. In that warm loving space, I perceived that – as she was being born, I was being born with her, but not into light as many describe. Instead, we were moving from this pure, brilliant light of beingness into the darkness of the human experience. This revelation showed me that we don’t come into the light at birth – we come from it, entering into the beautiful darkness of what we call this waking life. It was a cosmic, spiritual understanding that shifted my perspective on this reality.
I was so deeply immersed in this experience that I had stopped breathing – something I only learned later when my partner told me my face had turned completely purple. A single group of voices calling me to breathe brought me back to the physical room, and with that breath, Emzy had emerged simultaneously after just three minutes of pushing.
She arrived at 3 pounds, 4 ounces of determination. Though she was breathing on her own, protocol required NICU monitoring. Both of us had hypermagnesia from the medication – I couldn’t walk normally for nearly two and a half weeks, and they had to keep me on monitoring for several additional days. Even when one doctor cleared me to go home, another took over and required me to stay longer, testing my patience but reinforcing my practice of acceptance. Emzy spent her first 30 days here on Earth in the NICU, coming home just after New Year’s.
My parter at the time named her Emzy after his great-grandparents’ initials (MZ), but she’s brought her own meaning to those letters.
These five years have shown me that birth stories aren’t just about new life entering the world – they’re about mothers being born too. Through every challenge, every triumph, every NICU visit, and every moment since, this journey has shaped us both.
Happy Birthday, Emzy. Thank you for teaching me that sometimes the most carefully laid plans give way to something even more meaningful – if we’re brave enough to trust the process.